Life With Littles Lately

When Ordinary Becomes Extraordinary

My Constant Companions

When I was pregnant with Ellis, my sweet sixth (and LAST) baby, and sure he was going to stick around after multiple miscarriages, I told Justin, “The next two years are going to kick my ass. I need you to help me remember that, and remind me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.”

Because the truth is that having three kids under five had kicked my ass. Four kids under seven said, “Hold my beer.”

Another confessional truth is that I don’t enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom. Do NOT misconstrue me: I enjoy being a mother, and I certainly enjoy my children. But the day-to-day “job” parts of momming while I remember what it was like to use my brain to problem solve things other than which tiny hiney is that smell coming from? Not my favorite.

I never had mom guilt about sending my kids to quality daycares while I worked for a paycheck. Maybe it’s because I grew up with a working mom, or maybe it’s just the way I am, but I enjoy working outside of the home to being a SAHM.

So why do it? Honestly, I was so burned out at my last job, I was ready to try staying home again. Within two months I was so cross-eyed I volunteered to run the summer canned food drive for our local mother-daughter charity league that I do with Cordelia. Then I volunteered to be the president. So I spent the next two years “working” as a vital part of this organization that helps support dozens of local charities and over 100 moms helping their daughters grow into cultured leaders with servants’ hearts.

The chapter even gave me an award - our version of Miss Congeniality - at our year-end luncheon last May. I still treasure it and always will.

I loved it so much that I was going to do it another year, but another deserving mama stepped up at the 11th hour and wanted the chance to lead, so at the last minute my plans were cut short. That was really, really hard.

So I looked into getting a “real” job again, one with a paycheck and people other than Miss Rachel, Blippi, a toddler, and a baby to talk to. I saw some interesting things, but the older kids were about to be out of school for the summer, so I knew I’d need childcare for them, but have you seen the cost of summer camps? I kept an eye on job postings, while also looking into all my childcare options for four small kiddos.

It was going to be about $7k a month for childcare for all four kiddos. That’s AFTER taxes. I’m a writer and editor. That’s not exactly a high-earning job. Bottom line- I literally couldn’t afford to go back to work, because I couldn’t make enough money to cover the cost of childcare in my area.

So home with the kids I stayed. I tried to stay involved in my kids' activities as much as possible - but it’s hard to talk to the other moms at dance or soccer or lacrosse practice when you’re chasing after two toddlers.

I love writing and staying connected with everyone here, but every time I sat down to write something it sounded depressing, because the truth of it is that I do sometimes struggle with depression, especially during times in my life when I feel trapped. Feeling trapped for over a decade in a one-sided marriage will do that to yah, I guess.

But count your blessings. Bloom where you’re planted. Eyes on the cross. Keep Going.

Over the weekend, we had two great family outings. On Saturday we went to the beach with some other families from the kids’ elementary school, and Justin was on Ellis duty. That kid is 17 months old and half my job as a mom right now is just keeping him alive. Harley is almost four, and was able to keep up with bigger kids and hold her own. The three girls ran around like sandy banshees and had the time of their lives, and I got to talk to some other parents for more than 30-second bursts.

On Sunday, for Mother’s Day, Justin took the four littles to breakfast and the park while I slept in and watched cooking shows, which is my absolute favorite self-indulgent weekend activity. Then Cordelia came home from spending the night at her best friend’s house after prom on Saturday, and we all went to the Safari Park (like the zoo, but bigger, for my non- San Diego friends) and everyone was on their best behavior thanks to it being Mother’s Day.

We’ve had some extraordinary times together in the past year, including holidays and even a family vacation to Hawaii, and those experiences were so special.

But this weekend, the ordinary became extraordinary, and my soul felt restored.

I remembered what I had told Justin when I was pregnant with Ellis. I knew this period in my life was going to kick my ass. I needed the reminder that it was going to be worth it. I needed to see my babies that I’ve poured my heart and soul into to start to be a little independent. I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and be reminded that nothing lasts forever.

Everyday life is still going to be hard for a time, but I’m bit by bit getting more of myself back as vestiges of momming littles are left behind one piece at a time. We are done breastfeeding. I finally broke my six-month silence on this substack two weeks ago, and I hope to be able to write more often than every other week!

Everyone (mostly) sleeps through the night, and all but one of my kids can be let loose on a playground. I re-joined the Y and try to go a couple mornings a week to walk on the treadmill and take a shower while the toddlers play in the kids club. Did I mention we went through a six-month period where Ellis screamed his little head off any time I tried to leave him with a nursery helper? Ughhhhh it’s been a rough year.

Anyway, Harley starts pre-k in August, Arya and Trinity will be in third and first, and I’ll only have one at home for three whole days a week. And Cordelia only has one more year left at home (!!!!) before heading off to college.

Things are starting to turn, and I’m here for it. Maybe I’ll even get a “real” job or try to figure out the answer to “Jenny, how do you do it?” and finally write that layperson parenting book (working title: How to raise a million kids without quite losing your mind). Or maybe I’ll take all the stories I want to share but can’t because they involve other people, change the names and some other details, and call it fiction. I don’t know. But I see light, and even though it’s been HARD, watching these kids grow up is WORTH IT.

If you’re walking through a hard season of parenthood right now, I have no advice except to keep going. Cry if you need to, question your life if you need to, put your kids in timeout or in front of a movie if you need to - but keep going. Even if you’re crawling. Because someday, you’ll realize the bumpy road has smoothed out, and you’re not gripping the armrest for dear life in anticipation of the next jolt.